


What Is It With You And Bathrooms, Malfoy? or, Is The Third Time The Charm?

by IzzyShep



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Christmas Party, Family Fluff, Finally getting the message, M/M, embarrassing encounters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyShep/pseuds/IzzyShep
Summary: Fluffy one-shot... Scorpius has a serious issue with embarrassing himself in front of Jamie Potter.





	What Is It With You And Bathrooms, Malfoy? or, Is The Third Time The Charm?

Scorpius pulled at his sleeves again. He looked fine. He was fine, better than fine. Good, really.

Taking a deep breath he reminded himself that he’d very carefully avoided excess liquids for half the day. If he could make it through the seven hour negotiating sessions they’d endured during the Bergen Accords, he could make it through a three hour holiday party at Grimmauld Place without getting caught in the bathroom.

It was absolutely something he could accomplish.

He wasn’t going to have a repeat episode. _Absolutely not._

  
_\------^^^^------_

  
_**The first time…** _

  
_Completely innocent. Nothing remarkable. Happens to everyone._ That’s what he told himself over and over after the first time.

It _HAD_ been completely innocent. He’d dashed into the changing rooms just before quidditch practice to take a quick wee and when he skidded around the corner there he was… Jamie.

 _Mother of Merlin_ , he was all soaped up, with his head leaning ever so slightly to one side, one hand working a bar of soap into his lower abdomen in small circles and strokes, the other hand brushing a flannel up against the side of his neck. He might have been purring. Scorpius might have imagined he was.

Scorpius could very easily have remained standing there gazing upon James’ disturbingly god-like figure if not for the sound that suddenly escaped from his traitorous throat.

He didn’t know what it was at first. He didn’t even realize it came from him. Suddenly, there was a sound. It might have been a small ‘yip’ or an ‘eek’ or some kind of chirp. It was the sound of a startled squirrel… or perhaps a panicked porcupine.

When he realized he was the source of the sound he froze. Then he felt himself breaking out into some sort of rash at the horror of it, and before he could move Jamie had opened his eyes. He didn’t say anything. He just squinted at Scorpius and shook his head lightly while a small, crooked smile crossed his lips.

 _Gods_ , Scorpius thought, this kind of thing must happen to him all the time. Bent or straight, there’s no chance anyone wouldn’t take a look if they came across that, right?

It must happen all the time.

Just the same, Scorpius made a point of immediately re-working all of his transit routes between classes and adjusting his library study location so that he’d avoid making contact, physical or eye, with James for the remainder of the year. James would be off to Puddlemere in six weeks, and then Scorpius would never have to see or be seen by him again. He could do it.

He would do it.

Unfortunately, his dedicated avoidance of Jamie meant that he also had to re-work some of his plans with Albus, including skipping the summer muggle camping trip. He just couldn’t face another encounter. So, he agreed to attend the International Wizarding Relations Camp his father was so keen on, instead. Actually, that hadn’t been so bad.

Eventually, his embarrassment cooled and he only broke out into a flush occasionally upon being confronted with a hand towel or flannel.

Of course there was the one time he made the grave error of taking Lily along to shop for linens when he moved into student housing (the linens provided at University were of a shameful quality). She’d very innocently been extolling the virtues of a particular set and had begun to rub a flannel against her cheek and neck, which prompted Scorpius to squeak, grab the lot of them and immediately purchase a quantity sufficient for a household of twelve.

  
\------^^^^------

  
**_The second time._ **

  
The second time happened at Grimmauld Place. Albus was in the midst of moving into the place after completing his magizoology studies, and they’d simply stopped by to check on a delivery.

Innocent enough… should have been.

There should have been no reason at all Scorpius couldn’t just run and use the loo in peace.

But, of course there was.

Because when he reached the offending room and swung the door open he was met with the sight of a disheveled and obviously on-the-way to quite satisfied James Sirius Potter who was having his cock sucked by none other than his Puddlemere teammate, Duncan Wood.

What in the name of Salazar were they even doing there, and why had they not cast a locking charm?

 _It’s just good manners_ , for Merlin’s sake.

Then it happened again. The chirpy-cheepy-eek, stuttering porcupine sound.

Jamie’s hand didn’t move from the top of Duncan’s head, but he opened his eyes and looked at Scorpius while Scorpius muttered something quietly like “Oh, well, I’ll just be off… I can see you’re busy here… Pardon me, then…” He could have sworn Jamie’s crooked smile was followed by a small laugh.

There was a very low likelihood that happened all the time. Very low.

Albus looked at Scorpius with a confused expression as he bolted back down the stairs with some kind of comment like. “So, very sorry. I completely forgot I promised to be my Grandmother’s partner in Wizarding Bridge this afternoon. Must go!” before diving into the floo and praying he ended up someplace they at least spoke one of the languages he knew.

The reverberations from that incident weren’t too horrible, although Scorpius did have one uncomfortable moment when he realized one of the Malfoy family china patterns were banded with a sage green nearly identical to the color of the shirt Jamie had been wearing on the afternoon in question… if you could call having a piece of sage linen draped over your shoulders while slowly massaging your almond-brown right nipple with your left index finger ‘wearing.’ He’d managed to get out of that situation by quickly excusing himself from the table, feigning travel fatigue. He later quietly asked the elves to place that particular set in storage, explaining the color dampened his appetite, which was the opposite of true if one wasn’t referring to alimentary hunger.

  
\------^^^^------

  
Tonight, Scorpius was having none of it. No unexpected bathroom events were going to happen. He was a grown man, twenty-seven. He had full command of his senses and bodily functions. He regularly interacted with Ministers and Heads of State. There was absolutely no reason for him to become a flustered rodent. Attending this party without embarrassment should be an easily accomplished goal.

He checked his appearance again, and, after giving himself a quick nod, apparated to the front step of 12 Grimmauld Place.

"Hello, you!” Lily’s shining, freckled face glowed up at him. She looked positively radiant. Apparently, all that pish about pregnancy wasn’t just nonsense… at least where Weasleys were concerned. “Come in. Nearly everyone’s here. Follow me, and we’ll find Albus. Rose and Hugo are here, as well… And we’re expecting the Scamanders any minute.”

Since the ‘ _second time which Scorpius usually tried not to think on,_ ’ Albus had moved to his own cottage in Dorset and opened a large animal practice. Lily and her husband, Liam Finnegan-Thomas, had taken over Grimmauld. The whole place positively exuded the couple’s happy, open nature.

They’d barely made it to the parlor when Albus and his mop of dark hair pulled Scorpius into an enormous bear hug. “Ah…. The victor returns! Congratulations, Scorpius. Everyone’s talking about your latest coup.” Albus smiled and crowed in recognition of the recent work Scorpius had done to secure a new multi-national wizarding and magical creatures rights agreement.

Scorpius waved him off “It was…”

“Don’t say ‘nothing’ Malfoy.” A warm voice came from behind, and he spun around to see James, just as much the golden boy as ever. “Everyone knows it was a major step forward.”

“Well…” Scorpius couldn’t help a flush of pride even though he couldn’t take all the credit, not by a long shot. “It definitely helped that public opinion has turned in our favor. The English National team’s boycott of the World Cup this year was a big help.”

James looked down in his glass. “We did have to work for that… It was right, though.”

Scorpius looked at him, wondering just how much he’d been involved in that effort. Albus had mentioned something about it, but it had been a little vague.

“And Albus,” Jamie quickly changed the subject, “Tell us about your new farm.”

Scorpius could have sworn Jamie was smiling at him while Albus launched into a detailed description of the new facilities he was installing for the unicorn sanctuary he’d established as part of the operation. However, when he looked back James had been pulled into a discussion with his aunt Fleur and was determinedly nodding at regular intervals as his Aunt made a case about something Scorpius couldn’t hear.

More than an hour later, Scorpius was standing by the punch bowl looking down at his nearly empty glass and debating if he could chance another.

“Go on.” Jamie’s voice said, “Have another. It’s a party.”

Scorpius considered it.

“Besides, then we can drink to your achievement.” Jamie added.

“It really wasn’t.”

“Yes, it was. You’ve been working toward that agreement for ages, Scorpius. Don’t discount what you’ve done.” Jamie looked at him seriously.

Scorpius felt a twinge. He didn’t know how Jamie knew how long he’d been working on that particular project, or if he suspected how important it was to him. He considered it a tribute of sorts to his mother, who’d been a staunch supporter of wizarding and creature rights.

“Very well.” Scorpius agreed, allowing Jamie to fill his glass. “But, only if we can toast to Puddlemere’s First again this year.”  
Jamie smiled and tipped his glass toward Scorpius “To our achievements, then.”

“To us.” Scorpius said and then flushed a little at his turn of phrase. He attempted to quickly cover it by following closely with

“And, what do you have planned for the coming year?”

“Retirement, I think.” Jamie answered somewhat quietly.

“Oh… Does anyone know?” Scorpius looked around the room.

“Not yet. I haven’t decided fully, but I think I’ve had my fill of professional sport.” He looked around at the people gathered in the house and shrugged. “Can you become restless from being restless? I’d like to stay put a little, for a change.”

Scorpius knew what he meant. He’d spent the last five years bouncing between London, New York, The Hague, and Geneva.

“Restless from being restless. I do know what you mean. Sometimes I have trouble remembering which time zone I’m in, and government offices have an alarming sameness. I’ve been surprised once or twice when I’ve stepped outside and realized I’m not where I expected to be… not that I do that often… In fact, they more or less pay me to know exactly where I am… but on occasion…” Scorpius stopped realizing he was now officially rambling.

He looked up at Jamie who was wearing an expression Scorpius thought might be some kind of amusement. He seemed as if he was about to say something when his attention was diverted and he quickly slid off to join his Uncle George.

' _Circe, but I’m an idiot._ ’ Scorpius thought to himself wondering if the day would ever come when he could be anything but his tongue-tied, absolutely inelegant, eleven year-old self in front of James Potter. He supposed it didn’t really matter, in any event. He was Albus’ best buddy. He may as well be the family dog for all it mattered to Jamie.

“What’s with the sour face, Scorps?” Lily leaned around his side, pushing her lower lip out in a mock pout.

“I’m just admiring my own ability to remain exactly the same.” Scorpius smiled. “I’m remarkably consistent.”

She slid her hand up the side of his face, cupping his cheek gently. “You are, dearest Scorpius, and that’s exactly what we love about you…. Just promise me that when you’re an even bigger success than you are now, that you’ll still be the boy who was willing to spend an entire afternoon helping me build a fairy fort.” She rubbed her protruding stomach with affection. “We might need those services again, you know.”

Scorpius leaned down and kissed the top of Lily’s head. “I promise. For you and the little Lulu, anything.I wouldn’t want to risk an unsound structure.”

“What’s this?” Albus and Hugo asked striding over, obviously looking to refill their beverages.

“I’m recruiting a contractor for a fairy house.”

“I’ll still never understand how she roped you into that.” Albus laughed.

Scorpius shrugged. “I think those kinds of things are more appealing when you don’t have siblings.”

“Point.” Albus agreed. “Just the same, I promise you Lulu that you, Liam and the nugget can come visit me anytime. I’ll be her favorite uncle.”

“What if she’s a he?” Hugo asked.

“I’m still better…We just humor Jamie.” Albus said, catching his brother’s eye and offering him a silent toast across the room.

Jamie responded with a similar motion, neither of them knowing why the other was wishing them well. Scorpius watched the interplay and for a moment thought Jamie might be looking at him, too, but then chalked the thought up to an overactive imagination.

A bit over two hours into the evening Scorpius found himself in a conversation with Albus’ Gran Molly regarding the proper fruits to include in a Christmas fruitcake when he realized he’d lost track of Albus. Truthfully, he wasn’t particularly concerned about Albus’ location, but it seemed a plausible reason to break away from the conversation and find another.

“You’re right, candied persimmon is essential. It absolutely imparts that holiday essence. Have you seen Albus lately? I needed to chat with him about some plans next week… I don’t want to forget.”

“Oh.” Molly said, smiling up at the blonde with a level of fondness that made Scorpius slightly guilty about purposefully abandoning her. “I think he ran upstairs to retrieve something from his old room. He’s still moving things out… Lily’s been moaning at him to remove the last of it so that they can finish the nursery.”

Scorpius laughed. “He really should toss most of it into the bin, but you know how Albus is.”

Molly nodded.

“It’s probably best he has so much space now. He’ll use it all.” With that, he caught Rose’s arm and drew her into a conversation with Molly so that he could head off to find Albus before he cut out for the evening.

He was just about to Albus’ room when a door to his left opened. It was Jamie, and before Scorpius could even think he let out a chirp-like shriek.

Jamie just stood there, leaning casually against the frame of the door to the bathroom and broke out in laughter. “What is it with you and bathrooms Malfoy?”

Scorpius stared at him in disbelief. How was it even possible this had happened again. Granted, he hadn’t managed to find James in a compromising position, but even so. There was a bathroom, and Jamie, and a shriek.

He looked at Jamie and down the hall toward Albus’ room and back at Jamie. “I was just…”

Then he turned tail and nearly ran toward Albus’ room. Once there, he closed the door behind him and took in a few deep breaths.

“You okay there, Scorpius?”

“Yes… Just… Needed a quiet space.”

“You really should visit me on the farm.” Albus shrugged at his always slightly odd best friend. “It’s not as quiet as you’d think, but it’s a nice respite from people.”

Scorpius nodded. Perhaps Albus was right. After this, he might need a little reprieve. “That sounds nice.”

  
\------^^^^------

  
A couple of days after Christmas, Scorpius found himself walking through the floo into Albus’ new home.

“Welcome.” Albus said with a smile and a hug. “Follow me, I’ll show you ‘round.”

It was relaxing and reminded Scorpius of a farm he’d toured in France when he was there during the W-7 meetings earlier that year. Albus was keeping a mix of magical and non-magical creatures, and had plans to not only extend the unicorn sanctuary he’d established, but to add a working dairy.

“It’s terrific Albus.” Scorpius enthused as he looked around and took in a deep breath. “And you were right, very peaceful. The air even feels lighter.”

“Told you…. Stay for dinner?” Albus asked, adding “I’ve been working on my cooking.” clearly hoping Scorpius wouldn’t be put off by memories of his student cooking efforts which had mainly included burnt ready meals.

Scorpius cocked an eyebrow and agreed. “Sure, why not?... Besides, I’m feeling a little lucky.”

“Great. It’ll be a few,” Albus told him, toeing off his boots when they walked into the mud room. “Why don’t you make yourself at home?”

Scorpius nodded and began to poke around the house while Albus prepped the meal. The house felt very Albus. It was solid and completely unassuming, and filled with a few specific family mementos; photos of a few family events, Lily’s wedding, his parent’s 25th anniversary party, their graduation.

Scorpius looked at the smiling faces settling on Jamie's, and wondered if he’d ever be able to make it through an encounter with him without some sort of embarrassing episode. At least he was good natured about it. Someday, he expected they’d be able to look back on it all and laugh. He hoped as much.

“Albus, do you need any help?” Scorpius asked, setting the photo of Lily’s wedding down.

“No, no… I’ll be out in a moment.”

“I’ll just wash up, then. Where’s the washroom?”

“Just up the stairs, to the right.”

Scorpius found his way there, and had a little laugh at the towels hanging on the rod. ‘Look.. no rash.” He whispered to them.  
He turned and opened the door only to nearly walk straight into Jamie.

And, it happened again. The panicked chirp of a skittish squirrel.

“Wow.” Jamie laughed. “Every time.”

“I’m sorry… I…”

Jamie stepped forward, and Scorpius stepped back into the room, slightly confused.

“I… I’m sorry… I…” Scorpius was searching for words while trying to understand why Jamie didn’t stand aside to let Scorpius flee the scene of his typical embarrassment.

“Is this going to happen every time I run into you in range of a washroom?” Jamie was smiling at him and appeared to be enjoying himself. Scorpius thought this might be some fresh kind of hell. Not only did he know he had the ‘washroom’ issue with Jamie, but clearly Jamie’d noticed it as well.

“I… Why are you here?” Scorpius asked, trying to pull himself back into some kind of equilibrium.

“Well… we didn’t get a chance to finish our conversation the other night…” Jamie started. “And, Albus let me know where I might find you.”

“Oh,” Scorpius looked up at his face, which startlingly close to his now, close enough that he could feel the soft brush of Jamie’s breath against his cheek.

“Oh.” Scorpius said again as he licked his lips, afraid to make much more in the way of a sound, lest he revert to the high pitched chirping. ‘Oh’ might not be eloquent, but it was definitely preferable to chirps.

Jamie was even closer now, close enough that Scorpius, even in his slightly panicked state realized that James Potter was likely about to kiss him. Merlin, he’d better not make any strange noises if that happened.

He closed his eyes in a silent prayer to whatever gods might be listening and then felt the press of Jamie’s lips against his.

He did make a noise, but it wasn’t a chirp. It was more of a sigh. Apparently, Jamie took that sound to be a good thing because he responded by wrapping his arms around Scorpius and pulling him closer as he deepened their kiss.

Kissing Jamie was at least as good as he ever thought it would be, if not significantly better. Best of all, whatever sounds he was making at this point seemed to be the right kinds of noises, because each one prompted Jamie to a more and more passionate response. At this rate, one or two more sighs, moans, or groans might result in Jamie tearing his clothing off.

That was the thought that prompted Scorpius to moan “ _Gods, Jamie…_ ”

Jamie stopped in his tracks, and Scorpius was suddenly terrified that he’d done the wrong thing, but Jamie was smiling that crooked smile, his eyes alight.

“This alright?” Jamie asked and Scorpius nodded.

“You can say something, you know.” Jamie added.

“I’m… I think I’m tongue tied… or, afraid of what might come out of my mouth… my track record here isn’t the best.”

“I think it’s just fine.” Jamie assured him, leaning forward to kiss Scorpius again. “I like the strange noises you make.” He whispered against his lips. “Always have…”

Scorpius pulled away then. “You must be joking. But, I’m ridiculous.”

Jamie shook his head. “You really have no idea… The fact that I know that the same man who walks into the Ministry to go toe to toe with the Wizangamot also dissolves into adorable, meandering, Scorpius… It’s nearly unbearably sexy.”

“Sexy.” Scorpius looked at him. “Are you certain you haven't sustained a recent concussion?”

“Absolutely not.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying 'can we stop meeting in loos and perhaps go out on a date?'" Jamie looked at Scorpius, suddenly seeming a bit nervous himself.

“I think so.” He smiled, biting his lip slightly. “Yes, that would be very nice.”

“Good… Well, we’d better get downstairs, then. I think Albus is waiting.”

Jamie held out his hand and led Scorpius downstairs where Albus had just placed the last of their meal on the table.

When Albus looked up, he saw Scorpius and Jamie walking into the room, hand in hand, looking decidedly content.

“So, I see you finally made it past the bathroom.” He said with a smirk. “It’s about time.”


End file.
